You've done the work. You understand your attachment style. You know why you do what you do. So why are you still sabotaging relationships?

Let me guess: You've been in therapy.

You've read "Attached." You can explain your childhood wounds with clinical precision. You know exactly why you pick emotionally unavailable partners or why you bolt when someone gets too close.

You're basically a walking psychology textbook at this point.

And yet... you're still doing the thing. The same patterns. The same triggers. The same outcomes.

What gives?

The Insight Trap: When Self-Awareness Becomes Self-Sabotage

Here's the uncomfortable truth: Insight is seductive because it feels like progress.

Understanding WHY you sabotage relationships feels productive. It feels like healing. It gives you something smart to say at brunch when your friends ask why you're still single.

"Well, I have an avoidant attachment style stemming from childhood emotional neglect, so intimacy triggers my nervous system's threat response."

Chef's kiss. Beautiful explanation. A+.

But also... you're still alone. And that explanation just became your permission slip to stay that way.

What Is the Unhealthiest Attachment Style? (Plot Twist: It's Not What You Think)

Before we go further, let's address the elephant in the room - the question everyone's Googling at 2am: "What is the unhealthiest attachment style?"

The internet will tell you it's disorganised attachment (a chaotic mix of anxious and avoidant). And clinically, sure, that tracks…it's associated with the most childhood trauma and the messiest relationship outcomes.

But here's my hot take: The unhealthiest attachment style is the one you understand perfectly but refuse to change.

I don't care if you're anxious, avoidant, or disorganised. If you can recite your attachment patterns like a TED talk but still act them out every single day? That's the unhealthiest version.

Self-aware dysfunction is still dysfunction. It just comes with better vocabulary.

Your Therapist Gave You the Map. Your Nervous System Needs the Reps.

Look, I love therapy. Many of my friends are therapists. They're doing essential work, and I'm not here to therapist-bash.

But here's what traditional talk therapy is incredible at:

Helping you understand your patterns
Connecting past experiences to present behaviors
Giving you a safe space to process emotions
Building insight and self-awareness

Here's what it often struggles with:

Changing your automatic nervous system responses
Rewiring unconscious programming
Teaching your body new patterns through repetition

Why? Because your triggers don't live in your conscious mind. They live in your nervous system.

The Body Keeps the Score (And It Can't Read Your Therapy Notes)

You learned your attachment patterns before you could talk. Before you could think critically. Before you even knew what a "boundary" was.

Your nervous system was recording:

"When I cry, no one comes" = Distance is safety
"When I need, I'm too much" = Suppress your needs
"Love comes with conditions" = Perform or be abandoned

These programs were written in your body when you were 3, 5, 7 years old. And your body doesn't care that you're 32 now with a master's degree and a therapist.

When you get triggered, here's what happens:

Your prefrontal cortex (the rational, "I know better" part): Goes offline

Your amygdala (the "DANGER! REACT!" part): Takes the wheel

Result: You're running a program written by a terrified child, not the self-aware adult you've become.

This is why you can KNOW you're being irrational and still text your ex at midnight. Still pick a fight to create distance. Still ghost someone who's actually good for you.

You can't think your way out of a nervous system response.

Therapy vs. Nervous System Regulation: What's the Difference?

Think of it like this:

Therapy helps you understand why you're afraid of swimming.

It explores when you first felt afraid. What that fear represents. How it connects to other fears in your life. It validates that your fear makes sense.

Nervous system regulation teaches your body how to actually swim.

It practices getting in the water. Regulating the panic. Building new neural pathways through repetition. Showing your body - through experience, not explanation - that you can do this.

Both matter. But only one gets you in the pool.

What Does Nervous System Regulation Actually Look Like?

It's not woo-woo. It's not just "breathwork and meditation" (though those are a HUGE help).

Nervous system regulation in relationships means:

When triggered, you practice:

Noticing your body's response (chest tight, throat closing, impulse to flee)
Staying present instead of reacting automatically
Using breath, movement, or grounding to calm your system
Choosing a secure response even when your body screams to run

You do this repeatedly. In real relationships. With real stakes. Until your body learns a new pattern.

It's like physical therapy for your attachment system.

The Trifecta: Understanding + Regulation + Practice

Here's the approach that actually works:

1. Therapy/Understanding: Know your patterns, process your trauma, build insight

2. Nervous system regulation: Teach your body new responses through rewiring work, breathwork, co-regulation

3. Conscious practice: Apply it in real relationships with real people in real time

Most people stop at step one. They collect insights like Pokemon cards but never evolve.

The ones who break their patterns? They do all three.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Every day you spend "preparing" to be ready for a healthy relationship is another day you're not in one.

Every week you spend understanding why you self-sabotage without practicing new behaviors is another week the pattern gets reinforced.

Your nervous system doesn't change from insight. It changes from repetition.

You don't need more understanding. You need more reps.

The Research Phase Is Over

You know enough. You really do.

You know your attachment style. You know your triggers. You know why you do what you do.

Now it's time to build a new pattern.

Not by reading another book about it. Not by listening to another podcast episode. Not by saving another Instagram post.

By actually doing the work of regulating your nervous system, practicing secure behaviors, and showing up differently in real relationships.

The people in healthy relationships aren't smarter than you. They're not more healed than you. They just practiced something different until it became automatic.

Ready to Move From Understanding to Transformation?

If you're exhausted from knowing exactly why you sabotage relationships but still doing it anyway...

If you're tired of the research phase and ready for the practice phase...

If you want to rewire your nervous system, not just understand it...

Let's work together.

SECURE is for the woman who’s done reading and ready for actual change!

Because you don't need more insight. You need embodied change.

And that starts now.